Reflections

I'll start this like this...I was born March 9 thirty-eight years ago in Youngstown,Ohio.  My parents were married about six months before I was born..so yes I was at the wedding how lucky was I.  So lets go on..I grew up between Youngstown,Ohio, Columbia, Ms and Trenton,NJ.  I was a quiet little girl who loved smiling and dancing with my brother and sisters.  We lived in W. Trenton for most of my life.  There were other places in between but I really don't remember them all.  All I do remember is that our father left when I was about five years old and I didn't see him again until I was a freshman in college.  Throughout my life my siblings and I would be taking care of by my mothers family.  My fathers family really didn't care for us that much.  Some untapped issues between them and their own demons.  So as far as a father figure I guess you can say that role belong to my mothers older brother.  He taught me how to ride a bike and how to take care of my cars.  But like all the men I came to love he was taken away from us.  It was the saddest time for the entire family.  Especially, since he was the glue that held this family together.  I saw my mom shut down completely.  I felt and saw the changes in my relationship with my mother and family in general.  This was also around the time when things in my life had begun to change.  During this time in my life I was dating two different men who just so happen to be friends.  I'm not proud of this but at the time it was how I withdrew from my problems.  I had to make a hard decision that I would come to regret later on in my life.  I had drop out of college around the time I moved to north jersey.  I did go back to school and managed to graduate later than I had planned.  So after college I continue working in the childcare industry even though I wished for a different career.  I guess I was just to afraid to fail.  Anyway, years would go by and I would finally get my own apartment.  I finally felt like a real grown up.  It lasted for about a year or two when my landlord decided to move.  So I move with friends which became another lesson for me to learn from.  I never thought that I could go backwards until I moved there.  Anyway it was about them.  It was me trying not to go back home.  Because that meant that I was a failure in my eyes.  My mom would have loved it but I just couldn't do it.  One day as I was going to pay my rent the landlord says to me that I have to be out by the end of the month.  What? and Why? was all I could say.  It turn out that my half of the rent was the only money being paid.  Talk about pissed but what could I say.  This was around the time I would become involved with a longtime friend and he would rescue me from myself destruction.  This friend and I grew up across the street from each other and never got together until the summer of 2006.   He texted me and we talked for a minute when he asked to take me on a date.  I never expected our first date to be the first of many dates to come.  I never thought I would find a man who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with until we got together.  Well we had been dating for two years when I had to make the toughest decisions in my life and he stood by me throughout this whole entire time.  And for this I was truly grateful .  I know to this day that God sent two angels into my life and he was one and the other was my youngest sister who I love with all my heart and consider her more than just my sister.  She like my boyfriend were truly my saving grace.  It was in the summer of 2007 that I was having one of my difficult monthly periods and I went to the doctor out what they thought was fibroids at the time but turn out to be uterine cancer.  This was a blow to my heart, soul and womanhood.  I had to have surgery and have the cancer removed which meant a full hysterectomy.  This took all of me.  I felt like I didn't want to go on.  Fortunately for me they caught the cancer in the first stage and I was able to get radiation.  I am now almost three years cancer free and I owe most of my strength to my sister and my now husband.  I still have my good and bad days when I feel guilty from past mistakes but I just push it aside and try to reflect on what I do have each day.  Right now I feel like I'm empty inside and that no one understands how I feel.  I feel like I'm constantly looked at as a cancer survivor.  I feel like me husband doesn't see me as the woman he feel in love with but as his patient.  I feel like all he does is constantly nag me about what I'm eating, what I'm drinking and so forth.  I know its love but what happen to just loving me for me.  We have been married now for four months and I already feel like we are drifting in to different direction.  I feel like he doesn't see my strengths or interest.  All he sees are my weak points.  Its hard to talk to him because he is so set in his ways and thinks that his way is the only way.  Don't get me wrong I love him but damn he needs to loosen up before he completely push me away.  Well I've rambled on enough I guest I have to just continue to pray on it and loosen up myself.